Houston, we have a problem
Young adults
aren't doing well.
Today's anxious teenagers are becoming tomorrow's disillusioned young adults.
They're being sold a lie.
They do everything they're told. For years they comply, conform, and chase external approval. Then they step into the real world without the adaptability, self-directed learning, and emotional intelligence it actually takes to thrive.
"The most educated (and in debt) generation in history is pouring their heart, mind, mental wellness, and a lot of money into a formulaic path that, for many, does not work out as expected." Pathbreaker Parenting, Chapter 1
Two roads
The Path vs. the Pathbreaker
Every line on the left is something your teen has already absorbed. Every line on the right is the conversation that replaces it. Open any row to see why.
On the path you have little control over what you learn, when, how, or who teaches it. You're assessed continuously on your ability to learn this thing, this way, at this time, from this instructor. Pathbreaking hands all four back to you. Any topic, anytime, anywhere, from the best instructors in the world.
On the path everything flows from one outcome. Your job. Get a good job, make good money, and happiness is supposed to follow. Pathbreaking runs it the other way. Build the fulfillment first, from the inside out, and success follows on a definition you set rather than one you inherit.
On the path you avoid mistakes because one bad semester follows you onto the college application. If you want to be picked, you have to look pristine. Pathbreaking drops that scoreboard. Mistakes are how you find out what you're actually good at, and a clean record just means you never checked.
On the path, conformity is the constant drumbeat. Do not veer off. Do not lose focus. You become a compliant cog, exactly as designed. Pathbreaking gives you room to take unplanned exits and to be inconvenient on purpose. The traits that get you written up at 16 are the ones companies beg for at 26.
On the path, a degree signals that you're driven and thorough. You follow through. You achieve your goals. Pathbreaking says it proves something narrower. Sorting applications by degree is cheap for the employer; it says you finished, not what you can do. What moves you up the stack is work you can show and someone willing to vouch for you. In eleven years of hiring I never picked anyone for where they went to school.
On the path, you're asked to name a destination before you've been anywhere. Pick a major. Pick a career. Pick at 17, then spend a decade defending the answer. Pathbreaking swaps that question for one you can answer today. Try something. Then try the next thing. The first question needs experience you haven't had yet. The second question is how you get it.
A pathbreaking story
Languishing at 19. Thriving at 26.
One semester of college, seven months of going nowhere, then one conversation over dinner.
-
Middle school through senior year
Mediocre student, which didn't concern us
Our daughter Brooke was a mediocre student. Grades didn't matter in our home because we were playing the long game. What mattered was self-direction, but by senior year she was directionless. She picked college because her friends were going, and because the structure might do what she couldn't.
-
One semester of college
We dropped her off and hoped for the best
We supported her decision to try college, but told her to treat it as an experiment. If it works, great. If it doesn't, try something else. By midterms it was wrong, and she made the decision to stop.
"You told me many times that college is only for some people. I decided it wasn't for me."
-
Seven months of languishing
No direction, and no confidence
Dropping out didn't fix anything, and living at home made it too easy to coast. This stretch was harder than the semester. We knew she had it in her, but we could not find a way to help her see what we saw.
-
One night at dinner
I told her she had to move out
It was incredibly hard to do when everything internally says protect and defend. But it was the best decision we ever made. Everything I write and talk about kicked in after that dinner.
In her words. Captions are on the video. -
Weeks later
Her apartment was spotless
We called her Pig-Pen growing up because her room was a disaster. Two weeks after she moved out we showed up and the place was immaculate. She started cooking. She adopted a dog. She was up at 7 every morning. We thought it would take years. It took weeks.
-
The six years since
None of it happened overnight
Financially independent by 20. A candle brand built and closed on her own terms. The kid who ate nothing but junk food lost ninety pounds over three years, built an audience of 40,000 for her recipes and guidance, and now leads workshops at Weight Watchers.
One kid is not a study, and the numbers didn't come from her. We found them when she was small and changed how we parented because of them. Brooke is the result, not the reason.
Read the whole story See the evidence
The book
There's a better way. And it starts with new conversations.
Not a theory. The book gives you the actual words, in scripts that start in the opening chapters and run the whole way through. The final section builds out eight of them in full:
- Embrace Freedom
- Self-Direct
- Prioritize EQ
- Feel Accomplished
- Learn the Cost of Things
- Find Your Game
- Try Before You Buy
- Create Unique Value
Who's writing this
Eleven years deciding who got hired, fired and promoted
Seth Marlowe
Thirty-two years in business, eleven of them in leadership deciding who got hired, fired and promoted. Five of those running go-to-market for North America, managing managers across every level. What all of it taught me is that a degree tells you almost nothing about whether someone will deliver unique value in the role you're filling.
Donna and I met at App State and both graduated. This has never been about being anti-college. It's about what we stopped measuring our daughters by.
More about Seth →The destination
What thriving actually looks like
Thriving isn't a destination you reach by following steps. It's what happens when a teen learns to direct their own life, across every part of it at once.
Sections two and three build the case. Four and five are the answer: the mindset it all rests on, then a chapter for each of these, with the actual words to use.
No pressure
Where do you want to start?
For parents
Get the first 4 chapters free
Section one, twenty-seven pages. It runs the whole loop in miniature: the struggle, the path, the lie about college, and the first of the new conversations.
- Young Adults Struggle
- A Misguided Path
- The Requirement Lie
- Start New Conversations
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Read the blog: new conversations weeklyFrom the blog
New conversations, weekly
The Pathbreaker Playbook, Part 4: We Taught Them to Place Bets
Every decision your kid will ever make is a bet, and almost no one teaches them how to place one.
Read on Substack
The Pathbreaker Playbook, Part 3: 'Smart' Is a Label They Fear Losing
The label kids protect versus the effort they're willing to risk. A Stanford study that changed how we praised our daughters.
Read on Substack
The babysitter test nobody applies to their own kid
You'd never hire a sitter based on a diploma. So why do we tell teenagers the opposite?
Read on Substack