About Your Teenager
It’s easy to lose sight of how hard it is to be a teenager. While there are lots of moments in which teenagers are happy, fulfilled and proud of themselves, the majority of the time they feel lost, confused, emotional and unsure of themselves. They feel those things even if there is zero external pressure placed on them regarding their future.
But, of course, they’re almost constantly told to think about their future.
Four days a year for seven years I heard 100s of teenagers talk about the stress, anxiety and worry they feel about their future.
While I don’t know your teenager, I’ve held intentional conversations with 10s of them and listened to 100s more over the last 15+ years. While every kid is different and your teenager might be the exception to the rule, I constantly hear four words used by teenagers to describe how they feel most of the time.
Pressure
Your teenager feels unrelenting pressure from the adults in their lives. Even if you apply no pressure, many others will on a daily basis - coaches, teachers, family members, parents of friends, administrators, guidance counselors, etc. Most of it is focused on the importance of conforming in the present to maximize their potential in the future. And it never lets up.
Fear
Your teenager is oftentimes consumed with fear. They’re scared of the consequences if they break any rules, fail to complete a task or miss out on securing a credential. And as they look ahead, they’re scared they’ll never be happy or successful in what they view as a rapidly worsening world. They consume a LOT of online media (social, mainstream and otherwise) and most of it does nothing but deepen their trepidation.
Exhaustion
Your teenager is tired. In addition to the fact that being a teenager is hard on its own, they endure a near constant cacophony of signals, instructions, tasks, activities, advice, check marks and milestones. There are tests to study for, projects to complete, practices to be on time for, applications to be filled out, decisions to make and people to impress.
Disinterest
There is no illusion of school being about the beauty of learning because your teenager long ago realized it is about credential accumulation. School isn’t where they go to feed their curiosity, develop their minds and leave at the end of the day excited to come back in the morning. School is a job and, like many adults, they’re bored to tears by it.
To be clear, not every teenager feels all these things all the time and some kids work their way through it and figure everything out. But it is critical that you, their parent, not miss the forest through the trees.
“I promise you one thing. You can only hold breakthrough dialogues by first internalizing the realization that your teenager struggles with the very nature of being a teenager. Even with zero external pressure, they’re a hot mess at times. But if you make declarative statements and apply unceasing pressure, they will almost certainly shut down on you. Please think about that.”
At a time when they’re just a kid in an adult body, teenagers are overwhelmed by their present, scared to death about their future and feel like trying to talk with an adult in their life will make them feel worse. Why? Because the adults in their lives are the very people causing them to feel pressure, fear, exhaustion and disinterest.
Not surprisingly, teenagers seek to escape their reality and if you’re lucky, that need doesn’t lead to damaging behaviors and habits. Again, I don’t know your teenager, but if this all sounds familiar then I hope you’re ready to consider a different approach.